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A
doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life. You
need to get some exercise. Run 10 miles a day. " Two weeks later,
the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love
life since you have been running?"
"I
don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
A man
goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy!" The man
says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
A drunk
was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've
been brought here for drinking."
The
drunk says. "Okay, let's get started."
I asked
my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She
said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the
kitchen?"
Someone
stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.
We
always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife
and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
I was
just in London -- there is a six-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I
feel hungry.
The
doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,
so he gave him another six months.
The
Doctor called Mrs. Cohen, saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
The
Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I *am* 60!"
"See,
what did I tell you?"
A
doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The
man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what
puzzles me!"
A bum
asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He
said, "I don't know, you're the one who's working!"
Another
bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't
worry, it still tastes the same!"
I have
a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient,
they're in two separate buildings!
A man
calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz,
Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz."
The man
says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"I'm
sorry, he's on vacation."
"Then
let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's
on a big case, not available for a week."
"Then
let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's
playing golf today."
"Okay,
then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
I wish
my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work
he's out of.
I called my stockbroker today
and asked, "what are
you buying? His answer: canned goods and ammunition.
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