FUNNIES
~ A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
~ After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
~ Age happens.
~ All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~ Fishing is the sport of drowning worms.
~ Daylight savings time: Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
~ Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?
~ How come abbreviated is such a long word?
~ I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
~ I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
~ I once had a dog I named "peeve" so I could really say, "I have a pet peeve."
~ I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
~ I discovered today that goldfish do not like Jell-o.
~ I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
~ I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
~ I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~ In order to avoid criticism, never do anything. Ever.
~ I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
~ Most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if it says, "Open somewhere else"?
~ No man knows less than the man who knows it all.
~ No matter where you go, there you are.
~ Not afraid of heights...afraid of widths.
~ The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
~ Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
~ People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
~ People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
~ Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
~ The buck doesn't even slow down here!
~ The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
~ The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
~ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
~ The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
~ The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
~ The four stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He plays Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
~ The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
~ The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
~ The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
~ The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
~ The world is full of willing people: Some willing to work and some willing to let them.
~ The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
~ What do you call a chicken that is afraid?
~ What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
~ What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
~ Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
